A Sense of Belonging

I accidentally took a five month hiatus from this newsletter - sorry about that! As you might recall, I was in the process of moving house and moving jobs so life just got a little bit too hectic. I also had a fairly bad couple of months mental health wise in February/March so I didn't want to subject anyone reading this to a barrage of misery - it was bad enough subjecting myself to it to be honest!

I'm not even going to talk about house-hunting because it was awful and soul destroying but we *finally* moved house in early April and, as one might expect, the move itself was pretty torrid - even though we were able to afford to pay people to pack and move all our belongings for us. Despite the fact that I've moved at least 15 times in my life, I don't think I ever get used to the huge amount of hassle involved - from finding a new place to live, to jamming everything you own into boxes/cars/vans/a lorry, to getting ripped off when you try to get your deposit back. It's a truth universally acknowledged that moving is terrible but it's perhaps less commonly said that, even when you've unpacked all your boxes and redirected all your mail, you might still not feel settled for months to come.

The move from Leicestershire to Surrey has felt huge. I've been in various flavours of "The Midlands" for over ten years so the move to the South East has been a big culture shock - people talk differently, dress differently, and I still feel very much like a fish out of water. It's individually tiny things like having to constantly remind myself how to pronounce Godalming properly or not really being able to understand the nuances in the tone of people's voices because accents here are different but it's also constantly and cumulatively disorientating. It's also impossible not to notice the disparity in investment in communities between Surrey and the Midlands/the North of England. The transport links are better, public services are better invested in, the public realm is less worn down by the last decade of austerity. It almost feels like a different country and I can't help but feel guilty about being able to live somewhere so markedly privileged.

Our new house is really lovely and in a really nice part of Surrey but I'm struggling to feel like I "deserve" to live somewhere that's so expensive. I've never been particularly prone to imposter syndrome but I feel a little bit like I'm playing at being the sort of person who can afford to rent a three bedroom house in the home counties. Or the sort of person who shops at Waitrose... I almost feel guilty that I live somewhere so nice and I certainly feel weird about how much the rent costs. I feel like I'm lying to people and, to some extent myself, about who I am by existing in a different place and space to any that I've ever been in before. Even when I was at University, mostly surrounded by people who were much posher than I was, there was no pretending I was anything but a comprehensive school kid from a working class town in North Wales. Whereas here and now, that isn't so obvious and it feels like a bit of a dislocation in my sense of self. Not only do I not feel like I fit in but I also feel disconnected from who I thought I was. I'm sincerely hoping that this is just a bit of a wobble caused by the upheaval of changing almost everything in my life within the space of the last three months. Stay tuned to find out I guess!

What I've Been:

Reading:
I've read a lot of books since January but some stand-outs were:
An American Marriage by Tayari Jones: This is a beautiful, raw and complex story about marriage, incarceration, love and relationships telling the story of a young southern American couple whose lives are turned upside down when the husband Roy is imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit. Tayari Jones writes evocatively about the black experience and the weight of racial oppression and injustice. Her characters are complicated and imperfect, making their stories all the more compelling and human.

How Long 'til Black Future Month by NK Jemisin: an anthology of speculative fiction short stories by the amazing and multi-Hugo award winning SF/F author - I love Jemisin's work so much already but this is a really well put together and genuinely great anthology. Some of the stories show the seeds of ideas for her full length works whilst others are stand alone but all are great, combining storytelling flair with a commitment to centring the lives of black characters. It's well worth a read whether you are new to Jemisin's work or an established fan.

Records of a Spaceborn Few by Becky Chambers: set in a post-Earth future this book tells the story of the humans who fled a dying Earth on a fleet of spaceships to find a new place in the galaxy. RoaSF tells the stories of those still living aboard the fleet now that humans have found other living beings and other planets. It's a beautiful story told from multiple points of view as various members of the fleet grapple with how they fit into the universe now the mission of the fleet is over. It's the third book Chambers has written set in her Wayfayers universe however it's not a really a sequel and you could read this without any prior knowledge.

Watching:
There was a month after we moved where we couldn't watch anything on Sky so instead I've been catching up on Angel (yes I do mean the Buffy the Vampire Slayer spin off show from the early 00's...) It was a show I missed at the time and have subsequently failed to get into on more than one occasion. It turns out that's because the first series is pretty terrible and you need to watch series 2 and 3 to get to anything approaching a coherent plot. If you're not a Buffy or Whedonverse nerd it's probably not worth the effort but if you can power through the first series it's actually a really interesting show. It's much darker in tone than Buffy but has a much more nuanced exploration of what it means to be a good person and how to fight the evil in the world, both figuratively and literally.

I also have *thoughts* on the final series Game of Thrones but that's a whole separate essay!

Listening to:
An utterly fantastic BBC podcast called NB which is all about gender identity and specifically non-binary gender identity. If you're not familiar with the concept of non-binary gender, this is the podcast for you - one of the co-hosts Caitlin is just getting to grips with their gender identity and so the podcast takes you on Caitlin's journey from first realising they might not actually be a cisgender woman to coming out to their parents. Caitlin co-hosts the podcast with fellow non-binary person and drag performer Amru and they also speak to lots of other non-binary people about their lived experiences. The first series is only 8 episodes and it's honestly one of the best things I've listened to all year, if not ever. It's funny, honest, touching, heartwarming and ultimately uplifting and affirming.

Honorable mentions to an Angel podcast called Still Dead which does great critical analysis of the show and is almost certainly much better than Angel itself and to the BBC's Brexitcast which is literally the only positive thing about Brexit.

Doing:
You mean, aside from moving house and complaining about it?! I wrote a blog post - about Brexit and Euroskepticism of all things... I did my first triathlon of the year in North Wales in April which was actually the best triathlon experience I've had in a while so I'm keen to try and fit a few more in this summer - if anyone has triathlon recommendations for the South East please let me know!

I've also got a place for Ride London this summer so I'm doing more cycling than I've done in years and working to overcome my fear of clipless pedals. I'm just riding it for fun but Andy is riding with me and raising money for Shelter so please sponsor him if you feel so inclined.

And finally, I recently became an Aunty again - twice! - earlier this month as my sister and my brother both had babies within the space of a week. So I now have lots of very cute babies to cuddle every time I go back to Wales!

Thanks for reading - I definitely promise to write another newsletter before September! Cx